I don’t do well with big, unexpected changes. I always try to keep myself occupied and have made plans for what needs to be done the next few days. One of my best friends think I’m silly for not being able to just relax, and maybe I am. I am trying to get up before noon every day. So far I’ve done good because I’ve been waking up at the time I usually start work, but it’s getting harder. It’s so surreal that I’m not going back for a while. To pass time I do home work outs every day now, in the home gym we just made because of this lock down. It clears my head and does my body good. If I didn’t I think I’d just start to feel real rotten real fast.
Still, the tears come some night. Tears of a privileged little girl who has a hard time coping. A girl whose life has been so free that staying at home feels like punishment. It feels as if this lock down cuts me of from my life. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that right now this is my life. But my normal everyday life is a life of distractions to be honest. Now I’m locked into my own mind. Emotions I didn’t even know I had are racing to the surface. Wait, that was a lie. I knew they were there, I pushed them down, hid them away, distracted myself from it, because I didn’t know how to deal with them. Now they are mixed with fear of what’s going on, but also fear of not spending this time well enough. We try to make this time go faster when we should actually try to live in the moment. Why do we do this? We’re healthy, locked into our own comfortable home with everything we need and so much more, can call our loved ones anytime, and the sun is fucking shining even though it is still technically winter. Today we took our dog out for a hike in the woods and I talked to one of my best friends on the phone for two hours. It’s been a good day.